Tomorrow my team and I move to Johannesburg. These last 5 days have been spent at what we call “debrief,” a time to reflect on and process what the Lord has done in our first month on the field. I stressed myself out over wanting to write the perfect blog about everything I’ve learned so far, because trust me, I’ve learned a LOT. But laying here in bed in this hostel, past midnight, I pulled out my phone, opened the notes app, and somehow this came out instead…
It’s time to stop sugarcoating it: month one was hard. After only a few days in South Africa, the Lord began revealing to me that I wasn’t where He wanted me to be yet; that I still had a lot to learn and grow in, and that I didn’t have it all figured out like I thought I did. I came into this Race telling myself I was ready to grow, but I unknowingly stood with my feet planted so firmly in what I thought I knew was right, and in who I thought I was. The Lord wrecked all of that. I knew things were going to get messy, because I knew that before He can build me up His way, He would have to break down everything I’ve built up by my own strength. Its definitely hard to accept that the way you’ve built up your faith your whole life isn’t exactly how God wants it to look. It’s the toughest but most important thing I heard from Him this month.
You’ve probably heard it said a million times, but we don’t need to have everything figured out to walk with the Lord. He never asked us to fix all of our problems or make sure we know all the answers before we can follow Him. Instead He asks us to come as we are, drop what we’re doing, and follow Him, no matter how messy our lives are. I’m the type of person who wants to feel like I have it all together, so showing up in South Africa and hearing Him speak so clearly that I have SO much work to do felt like a punch in the stomach. In so many ways I feel like I am back at square one. In fact, one morning I actually felt Him telling me that He was going to take me back to the basics… that He was going to walk with me through a process of breaking me down so that we can start again this time on a stronger foundation. I’m the type of person to want to have all the answers and have everything figured out, so knowing I was FAR from that was frustrating. Knowing I still had so much to learn overwhelmed me and I had no idea where to even start.
At Launch, right before we left the US, I was given a key necklace with the word “begin” engraved on it. The word was prayed over and chosen for me specifically, and I didn’t know what it meant when I first put it around my neck. Sure enough, the Lord is teaching me that I don’t have to have it all figured out to BEGIN. I don’t have to have it all figured out to take a step… and I’m learning that baby steps are okay too. Since being here the Lord has told me over and over again that He’s going to take His time on me and this journey… that we’re going to take this slow. Funny, because that’s not at all what I had planned. I wanted to rush through growth so I can feel like I have it all together, but in reality the learning and growing is what this race is all about. I am a work in progress, but He will carry this work that He started in me to completion.
So here I am, month one under my belt, learning to be okay with taking baby steps instead of rushing growth, and learning that I don’t need to have it all together to keep walking with Him.
There’s a lot I still don’t know. But that’s okay, because my questions don’t scare God. There are a lot of things that still hold me back, but that’s okay, because He’s still greater than those things and there’s no wall He won’t break down. And there’s a lot that I still question, but that’s okay too, because God doesn’t need me to have it all figured out to follow Him. Just BEGIN.
